I'm in love :)

It's true. I am. Very much so.

More to come...

:)

Big Bubble Burster

Today, I had my bubble burst. Ha... I really did. I was chatting with Lauren about the craziest thing that happened to me last week, all excited and filled with hope (as I always seem to get) about the awesomeness of it all, and at that precise moment a gigantic bubble-burster deflated my bright colorful bubble. It was one of those situations where a combination of fate and serendipity seems to be putting everything into place... leading you to something new and exciting... and then a big "POP!" brought me back to the reality of it all. That really sucks, ya know?

I guess I should just try and be thankful for the enthusiasm the development stirred in me, and the connection made. Yeah, I suppose that's what I'll do.

But it still really sucks. ;)

Hmm... Late Night Thoughts...

So I just realized it has been a solid two weeks since last I posted. Huh... and yet the interest still remains. I guess I just go through phases. Maybe?

I've actually been pretty busy... trying to figure out what I'm meant to do. As a person. With my life. That God gave me... for a reason. And I'm just not sure yet what it is that I'm meant to do. To quote my favorite song:

"I've been talking to God, don't know if it's helping or not."

But I guess it most likely is. Can't hurt anyway, right? Hahah...nah, it can't. Anyway, it's just a bit strange because I think it would be safe to say that I've always lived a pretty charmed life. I mean, in that I have a great family, I was a great student, no one ever seemed to doubt that I'd find "success". Which is awesome. And I'm sure I will. And really, I have in so many ways. But I think I'm just trying to figure out what success means for my life... in the grand scheme of things.

Not to be all "religous-y" or anything, but God... if you're reading this, maybe you could just post a quick comment and give me a hint? That'd be swell? Hahaahaha :)

Love you too.
Josh

Silver Linings :)

Oh gosh, so as I'm sitting here thinking about closure, I remembered something that makes all of my woes seem so silly.

Over Easter (the trip to SD I still haven't really elaborated on here... I may eventually), I got to spend approximately 24 hours with my cousins Larissa, Bailey, Seth and little Gabe. The two boys are pretty young, Gabe being about 5 years old... and we don't get to see each other very often- usually only two times a year (Easter and Christmas).

Well, time was limited this year... but we all hung out and played and had a good time (I always cling to the kids at family get togethers... I just feel more a part of them...haha). Nothing out of the ordinary, and I certainly didn't get as much time as I would have liked.

But ANYWAY, my mom called me last night right before my audition (see below) to read me part of an email she'd received from my Aunt Terri (the kids' mom). It made my entire day...and now today too. She wrote:

We love you coming for Easter. We’re so grateful that you are willing to travel that distance for us all to be together. I have to share what Gabriel said Easter night. We, Seth, Gabriel and I, we settling down to watch a movie before bedtime, Gabriel turned to me and said, “This was the best day ever. I wish Josh could be part of our family.” And I said He IS part of our family. And Gabriel said, I wish he would live with us. Needless to say, you were ALL missed after you left. It was the best day ever, all being together!

:) :) :)

C-C-Closure: The Stage Play!

You know what's hard? Realizing that something you want to happen isn't going to happen.

Ha..thank you "Captain Obvious", right? I know, I know- everyone already realizes that and certainly did not require my pointing it out to understand. But it IS. It's frustrating and annoying and hard!

I had an audition last night. I didn't have much prep time, but I went ahead and auditioned anyway, and left feeling like I'd done a decent job. It certainly wasn't my best audition... but I don't think I have any reason to be ashamed. Anyway, usually I'm pretty good about staying halfway ambivalent about audition results. Unless it's a show that I'm really invested in, or a group I really want to be a part of, I'm pretty good about walking out of an audition, feeling proud of myself for doing it, and then leaving it in the hands of fate.

Anyway, the call-backs for the show are tonight, and as of right now at 1:15 pm, I haven't heard from the company. This is a sure sign that they aren't interested... but because there's that SLIM window of opportunity that they might still contact me, I can't help but be bothered by it.

What I've realized is that, in this situation or others like it, it's not the lack of interest that seems to be difficult to deal with. I can understand that. If I'm not the right fit, I'm not the right fit. Sometimes it hurts to not be the right fit, don't get me wrong... but a lot of the time the most frustrating part is the gigantic QUESTION MARK just hanging over the situation that comes from not knowing one way or the other.

Because they haven't called, but they technically still COULD, I feel the need to keep a bit of hope alive... and that causes me to focus more on the situation and ultimately agonize more as to what might happen. But once the answer is there in front of me... "No, Josh, they're not interested. Definitely. You know because you didn't make the second round."... then I feel better because I can let it go and move on. Until then, though, it's hard.

That might be one of the most difficult things about trying to stay involved in the theatre... there's not always resolution and closure. There it is! CLOSURE! That's what it is... duh... the word I'm looking for. Being able to put an end-cap on it and close the book. Half the time, when I get called back, I then spend days wondering whether I've been actually cast. It's just like in dating, really. You KNOW that if they haven't been in touch within a few days that the interest just isn't there. But it's so easy to make up excuses in your head... and with no closure from the other party, it's difficult to say "Okay. That's done...move on."

So ultimately, I guess I'm just trying to work through my own frustrations. Wouldn't it be great if we could all find the closure we need? Yes- it would.

Not having closure is like not ever knowing what the...

Ho hum...Compliments

So this week I read a really great article about accepting compliments, and it really stuck with me. And as my coworker just showed me a scarf she's knitting, she mentioned that she couldn't rightfully say if it is ugly or not...since she always judges her own stuff more harshly than she would someone else's. I totally get that- and I think most people do.

Sometimes it's really hard to believe the good things other people say about you. Speaking from my own experience, I think I have a pretty good grasp on what my good qualities are and are not. And for someone to pay me a compliment related to something I don't classify as "good", I have a hard time believing it. I automatically become self-conscious, and deny the compliment.... at the same time questioning their motive in my head (because they couldn't possibly sincerely think that!)

For example... I believe I'm good with people. I believe I can be funnyish. Kids, dogs, and I all generally get along. But I don't believe I'm a great singer, I don't think I'm all that attractive (well, I'll say "good-looking"... because attractive is different), and I don't reeeally know what I'm doing when I dance (shhh...don't tell anybody).

Now, two of those three things I still do with reckless abandon (because I freaking love singing and dancing), and the other...well, I deal with that...ha. But when someone contradicts me and tells me "hey, you're a good singer" or "hey, you can really dance" or (and this is the hardest) "hey, you're cute".... well, I just can't believe it.

There are probably a million various reasons for WHY I can't believe those statements. I'm sure they all stem from one of my many ridiculous insecurities. But that's not really the point of this little blog entry. The point is that I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few days, and I realize the importance of just accepting those compliments and trying as hard as you can in your heart to believe them.

Someone who is willing to put enough of theirself on the line by going out on a limb to pay you a compliment (whether it be big or small), runs the risk of being hurt when you don't put enough faith in their opinion to believe them. And in a relationship (whether friend or romance), hurting someone who is only showing you kindness is the opposite of productive...obviously...ha.

And also- the people who compliment you (I realized), might be better able to see the good in you than you yourself. As my coworker said about her knitting, we're all our own worst critic and it's impossible to see ourselves clearly.

At my good friend Betsy's bridal shower this past weekend (I'm her man of honor...isn't that soo fun!?), we played a little game where we each wrote a piece of marriage advice on a notecard for her and she had to choose the best and the worst.

With what has been on my mind, I wrote:
"Always believe the compliments he gives you, even if it's hard, because he can see the beauty in you even when you can't. (And you're so full of it that he should compliment you often)"

My advice won "best advice" so it must be true, right? So now it's time to work on that myself. :)

I'm baaaaaaaack... :)

I did NOT forget about this blog (even though I thought I might). I've been visiting Grandma and Grandpa in South Dakota for the past week or so, and I'm just now back in Chicago. The trip was pretty awful in a couple of ways, but also really good in a lot of ways. I want to write about the whole thing, but unfortunately, I'm swaaaaaaaaaamped at work today (because I've been gone for so long). I just wanted to put down an entry though, because I'm finding that I actually enjoy this blog and WANT to keep it up to date!

:)