Tishy :(

I wrote this at about 6:00 am this morning, I think? I didn't know if I would actually post it, but I want to be able to save the details of this dream (and nobody reads this blog anyway..haha). It was one of the most intense things ever. So weird... I NEVER have dreams like that. I never remember my dreams, first of all.. but it's so rare that I ever even have what I'd call a "nightmare". And this is like the 2nd in about 2 months, and both had to do with Tishy and me. So I want to preserve this... so I don't forget it.

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So I just had the creepiest dream I've ever had. I woke up in it and that's the only reason I remember it. I dreamt that I was at my current job, only it was different. Same people, but for some reason my boss was actually a teacher... . tor she was teaching a classroom of people. ANyway, they offered me a permanent full time position that paid EXTREMELY well (110,000 basically).
So I was supposed to have the executive director sign some stuff, but I forgot to go see her and went home. Then in my dream I was waking up at our old house (me mom and tish) and I realized it was already 9:00 and I was supposed to have been to work already. So I got up and went to go get ready and called my mom (who in my dream was at work) and tell her the news while I got ready for a shower. She was excited but told me that Tishy was not feeling very well and I guess that she'd gone to the doctor or something in the night? I can't remember exactly. Well so then I left the bathroom and went to the kitchen, and my dad was there making some breakfast or something. (He never lived there with us). I started to tell him about my job thing and his back was to me, but he turned a little bit and said something like "I just talked to your mom a little bit ago" and his face was full of really sad pain "and the doctors have told us that Tish isn't doing so well" and my breath caught in my chest "and they don't think she's going to make it"...
and in my dream, I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't breathe and panic rose inside of me like I've never felt in real life. But like I know it would feel. It was soooo incredibly real. I turned away from him and grabbed the counter and I can't remember what I said but I know it was something denying it and I said it again louder and couldn't breath and it all just welled up inside of me and I literally had what I felt like was a meltdown. I don't know how to describe it. I woke up completely freaked out. Not short of breath (like I woke up a couple of months ago when I had this terrifying dream that Tishy and I were being chased by lions and woke up like literally gasping), but as soon as I registered it I started freaking out and crying. And now I am again. I tried texting her to see if she's okay but she's in CA on this crazy school thing, and she wasn't feeling well yesterday on her way out there but I haven't heard from her since. She didn't text me back, I mean obviously she's asleep and because she's sharing a hotel room I assume, she's turned down her phone so she won't wake anyone up but I just am so freaked out. I thought about calling my mom but I don't know what good that would do since it's 6:30 and it'll just panic her and if tish's phone is off it's off you know?

Scariest thing ever. Awe man... I'm freaking out right now. And I NEVER remember dreams so this is crazy. And, in my dream, when I was having this horrible panic attack..in my head (in my dream) I thought... oh no..there are things I never said... :( :( :(